Reading between the lines REDUX

OK so it’s been nearly two years since dipping my toe into this format.

I’ve got to be honest here & tell you that I’ve had lots to say ,but because of personal pressures along with a reticence to write blogs I’ve held back for a long time.

The reason being that not because I was distracted or found the discipline needed to write on a consistent basis was beyond me no no.

Rather for fear or offending, mainly my family, added to that I do like to challenge people and have a very low tolerance for stupid people.

Lately my threshold for listening to people spout rubbish has gotten a lot worse, where I find myself attacking them before there ignorance gets a chance to sprout roots.

Spreading like some out of control weed that chokes off all the beautiful ideas.

You're supposed to get wiser and make better decisions as you get older learning from past mistakes.

Then how is it then ,that in peoples personal lives, they make the same fucking mistakes over &over?

I use the word fucking deliberately here, because that's what they do fuck themselves as well as others in the process.

For instance, I have an associate that holds what are deemed high class parties for people over 30.

No, not those swingers types where bored uninterested married couples whom have lost any attractiveness to there opposite seek solace and thrill in copulating with someone who is just not there other.

No, I’m talking about the ones where people get to dress up & dance to music.

You know the ones, where they stand around eyeing each other up pretending to be having a good time loving the music etc.

Where the DJ, drunk on his own music, ego, or substance abuse, talks over every record in a vain attempt to work people into some kind of musical frenzy.

The point I’m making is ,why go to a function where you know the women or men who are going to be there are exactly the types you complain about?

I mean, mid to late 30’s women who’ve had a relationship, scream independence, whom are not really the type you want as you want a easy life.

Where you fool yourself into thinking that her stuffy attitude as you perceive, it as some kind of endearment.

Where you kid yourself & her, that it’s charming, that if you get over the aloofness there will be some pot of gold with a leprechaun at the end of it.

Then when you get to the end of the rainbow,the character projection that you created, dreamt up or willed into existence turns out to be the celluloid version of 2D.

The 3D image you wanted doesn’t exist so when you take off your rose tinted 3D glasses, you have a bad headache & heart palpitations to match a chronic case of bitters or mauby.

Your palate has just been fooled.

Therefore, I should have stuck with what my instincts told me, if you don’t want a second hand car don’t go to a second hand car dealer.

That means I will no longer frequent these functions in the way I used to.

This means I will not be looking for dates or women I can take home to my Parents.

Why? Because these women are not good for me and there not what I want.

Frankly speaking I get bored very easily, I get to a point where I know what the woman in question is going to say before she’s fired a neuron in her brain, are going to leave her and me very miserable.

Recently, I spoke to young man of 14 years old and I asked him what kind of women he liked.

He was at first reluctant to tell me, for fear of reprimand or embarrassment, however I managed to coax out of him his preference.

Before I explain said child, you should know he comes from a very stable loving two parent home with an older sister and well educated parents.

He’s disciplined & well presented for a 14 year old child, apart from the jeans around the arse, which I have not explained to him comes from prisoners in jail in the USA.

Whom would display there ‘availability’ to other men by displaying there rump for closer inspection.

So 14 year old boy with god looks like girls of a particular kind, nothing new or revealing in that you may say.

When I asked him qualify why, he’s words not mine ‘too much drama’ came out with no prompting.

He qualified it by explaining about a date he went on where he was not impressed, he then told me how he compared said date with other dates which were not ‘hard work’.

What could I say?

I couldn’t defend the ‘too much drama’ accusation I couldn’t defend the ‘hard work’.

I’ve had enough of the drama, the accusations of not man enough, or all the other bombs that are regularly hurled over to the enemy.

I have to say I didn’t know I was at war.

Broadening my horizons and not limiting myself, that’s what the mantra should be for all.

Yet how many of us choose ‘locked in’ syndrome where the parameters of what we look for in a potential partner are so narrow that they end up being unobtainable?

The idea of being bound with someone whom I share very little other than some nostalgic nod back to a shared heritage is becoming a price not worth paying.

After some careful thought I’ve decided to update this blog cutting the ambiguity as well as the reading between the lines.

Although, I suspect that most of you whom have endured thus far are fully aware of the point I’m making.

Does race or class or cultural similarity matter in eth choices of choosing a partner?

The short answer would be yes, with no need to qualify it as most would ultimately fall back on the personal prejudices.

The prejudices could be based on aesthetics, or race but not both.

Why?

Consider this, when people are generally asked what preferences are in there ideal partner, most are loath to mention aesthetic features.

Preferring instead to give the impression that they are global brotherhood of man types.Not judging on the persons racial background instead attempting to give the impression that they really are more interested in the personality or character of the individual is.

In reality, we all make quick sometimes badly thought out judgments on a potential mate if , indeed ,we are actually looking. 'Actually looking' is something I will comeback to later on, which I think is becoming a euphemism for metro living where being single is not acceptable no matter how hard you we try to make it so.

If the academic evidence is to be believed, apparently we make decisions about potential partners based on sex.Sex is reproduction & pleasure to Humans, the social attitudes may vary from one country to the next but the thought process conscious or not be you a virgin or not ,is there.

In the past I used to choose the type or women on aesthetic appearance additionally after some mild guilt ,some semblance of compatibility.

I choose within my race based on some loyalty as well as what I thought was some social ease and compatibility.

Coming from a Black British background whose parents are for all intensive purposes ‘Black’ I was raised in a balanced well educated loving caring home.

This, like many others instilled a sense of family and cohesion which extends to my social circle to this day.The Music I was brought up on, the food you eat, the religion you were taught.

The women or the men you choose will largely be influenced by these years of programming if I may use that word.Mine and your social experiences of being ‘black’ will re-enforce these ideas of self.

So when you look for a partner they are likely to come from that background unless a conscious decision is made no to do so.These can be numerous, I’ve often heard it said by many a Black man from a very young age , that they don’t date etc Black Women for an array of reasons.

These stem from the well known tried and tested accusations of being unapproachable, difficult, unattractive, masculine, always angry, over bearing baggage carrying, never fucking happy, drama, and time sucking vampires.

As I mentioned earlier in a more contrite mood, although the 14 year old I mentioned never actually used the array I just did, drama was in there.

Ironically, no self valuing Black Man could or would want there sisters quantified in such a manner. When I have challenged men in this they always excuse there own, even the14 year old.

In reaction to this tirade of what is deemed abuse, a lot or Black women state in there defence that the reason said Black Men date outside there race is because they cannot ‘handle’ a ‘strong’ Black Women.This to me is the equivalent of hugging your prize Teddy Bear and sucking your thumb and refusing to get out of bed to face the world.

Let me explain here, there is some truth to that mantra that some Black Men cannot indeed ‘handle’ said Black Woman, however the fact remains the facts.

A large and larger proportion of Black Women are single when compared to men.

Many have attempted to address and excuse the reasons based on not enough of a pool of eligible Black Men.

When I’ve listened to the debate about this invisible pool of Black Men my argument is that if you cannot find what you want within this limited pool look outside your race.

TREASON! SELLOUT! COCONUT!

To which there are usually murmurs of indignation about the suggestion, where I state that surely , rather than becoming bitter & somewhat twisted with your own selection criteria you’d be better served to look outside.

Love knows no colour? ...............Or does it?

I’m starting to think that class and culture are the first things you should look for and that race would be a bonus but not criteria.

To prove my point I tested this theory on someone whom stated that she was not looking the standard reply from a metro city thirty something black woman whose average.

I told her I had a perfect date for her narrow criteria ,she was excited at the prospect calling constantly as the impending date approached.

He was from Caribbean he was 6’4ft tall had his own business, a couple of houses. Very academic funny , witty, she even spoke to him on the phone which must have heightened the anticipation,

He was to all intensive purpose her ideal man in terms of culture & class but alas not race, as he was white.

I felt bad about what I did, however I wanted to prove a point here to her and the wider large audience of single black women thirty something women.

Which is this, the criteria which you have set yourself is a narrow one and limits your options. The evidence by your own criteria is that the cultural and class background are more important to you. Finally, that the racial aspects is an aesthetic one, where many are confused by there own choices.

I am very wary of anyone of any race who tells me that they only find a specific race attractive. This is a dangerous construct of there own making.

Black Men, likewise I don’t trust it when they say they only date a specific race is similar, with even more profound underlying issues. These are mainly about what images are peddled as attractive and sexual in nature to the point where it warps the reality of there experience. How many times have you seen a Black Man chasing what I can only uncharitably call a white monster, as if he's sense of self is so degraded he's lost his basic aesthetic compass.

I’d like to introduce a new saying into the parlance, RACIAL AVOIDENCE dressed up as choice.

This already being practised surreptitiously in the main by Asian women, it’s not often you see them with any other race in the UK other than own or white men.

I can’t claim to know the intricate reason as to why but I know from an interaction with a Thai woman who chased and accosted a neighbour who used to live in the same apartment block as I did.

When she confided in my then partner that she said that she felt safer with a white man. Based on the fact that he was more likely to be earning money .I.E gainfully employed ergo, feeding her and any offspring that they may produce. The exact sentence as I recall it that was relayed to me was ‘White man is better’. Sound logic, when you consider the social status of non whites in the UK or USA for that matter.

Is it the case that Black Men and Black Women should practice racial avoidance? Is there merit and benefit in doing this as we don’t seem to get along?

It would appear that Black Men are increasingly unwilling to date Black Women for the reasons I outlined earlier. The more this seems to happen the more reason are thrown at Black Men by an increasingly belligerent group of Black Women.

When I think about in more detail, we could work on the premise Black Men are not as narrow in terms of race when compared to Black Women. I think that much is evident.

Where does this leave us in terms of partner selection in terms of class and cultural background?

Cultural background is a bit of a catch all really, however I’ll use a couple of examples to highlight where I feel it’s important.

I as a child used to watch the Magic roundabout, rainbow and I liked the occasional fish and chips with too much vinegar and salt.

I was very partial to some rice and peas and jerk chicken or ackee and salt fish with fried dumplings.

I listen to reggae and spent time in the Caribbean, can speak patois rather unconvincingly (just ask any native they know).

I’m never going to be a real Jamaican nor am I wholly British but I was raised in the UK.

Ultimately the question I and many other will have to ask is when we get old and our looks fade. I’m going to need much than some food and occasional jokes about Jamaica (insert appropriate Caribbean island).

I’m not sure if this a reflection of the fact that I was born in the UK although culturally, I’d like to think that I can hop between both.. However when faced with the reality, I think it’s nostalgic and sentimental.

The hard facts are I was brought up on a food diet of Caribbean but my mental diet was extremely mixed.

Thinking about it, Michael Jackson was wrong lyrically when he penned ‘Black or White’. Rather he should have said wrote ‘It DOES matter if you Black or White but in reality class, culture are more important’.